Undercover
a
half-hour comedy with sad bits in
written
entirely by
9
Bishops Mansions
Bishop’s
Fulham
SW6
6DZ
+44
7720 775330
I
have no agent or legal representative at this time. Therefore I cannot be sued.
Credit titles – writer, producer, important actors – can go over these scenes. There will, eventually, be a sheep. The last credit should be the sheep’s name and should appear in bigger letters than anyone’s, with “trained by” and the animal handler’s name beneath in letters as big as the starring actor’s, as in
and
introducing
FLUFFY
as
“the
sheep”
trained
by
Frank
McGillicuddy
or as appropriate. If trained sheep are too hard to get (and well they might be) I suppose I could do rewrites. Gad, it’s hot.
Somewhere In Wales, a country road head-on; exterior, day (about 7pm in summer); bruised sky with yellow sun breaking through. Beautiful in an it’s-about-to-piss-it-down kind of a way.
We see EUAN walking along the road encumbered by a backpack which comes nearly a foot above his head. This pack should seem very heavy.
The camera angle for this and all the following shots should be very narrow, but the camera should be very far away, so that EUAN appears to be making very little progress in the head- and rear-on shots and so that only a fragment of the view can be seen from the side.
EUAN (VO) Welcome to Pant-y-Wacco.
Road seen from the side, with EUAN on it. The prospect should look unending and bleak, with sheep and not much else.
EUAN (VO) So much to see and do.
This time we are behind EUAN as he trudges up what we now see is a great big hill. A very long shot zoomed in might achieve this well. A vaguely grotty town sign reading “PANT-Y-WACCO” should be visible on the road ahead. If possible it should say something in smaller type like “twinned with Gravelines” (where the nuclear reactors are) or some other suitably grim French place.
EUAN (VO) Relax in the beautiful hillsides of Flintshire.
Same shot as 1.2 but further along the road. We are passing a faded shack with a sign saying “Panda Cola” (if by some miracle Panda are still in business and would regard this as either advertising or defamation, some other naff brand of cola no longer in production could be found – “Rola Cola”? Or even “Pola Cola”, with a cartoon of a polar bear). The shack is boarded up and the sign was clearly painted in about 1975.
EUAN (VO) Enjoy a convivial drink in one of the local hostelries …
Back to shot from front.
EUAN (VO) … where you can put your feet up and soak up the local atmosphere.
It starts to rain, gently at first and then gathering momentum to torrential over about fifteen seconds. EUAN stops dead after five of these, briefly examines a raincover hanging off his backpack, then shrugs in a “what’s-the-use” manner and continues trudging.
The campsite is a big muddy field with about thirty ugly plastic dome tents in it arranged in three columns, with two aisles. The campsite is being drowned. The visiting Chinese torturer would deplore the speed with which this is being accomplished. Rain should be bouncing off tent flaps in a continuous mist. There is a toilet about two-thirds of the way down the left aisle, from which RALPH emerges, fiddling disconcertingly with his fly. RALPH looks a bit like Cheeseman from Dad’s Army.
CAPTION undercover
We see EUAN get about a third of the way down the left aisle. RALPH, now smoking a pipe walks up past him.
Tighter in, but from the same basic direction. Where they stand.
RALPH (trailing smoke) How do.
EUAN (blows water off nose) Um, fine thank you.
RALPH (still trailing smoke) Nice day for it.
EUAN Yes. Yes, it is.
RALPH wanders off. EUAN coughs briefly then unshoulders his pack on to what looks like firm ground but turns out to be a mud puddle.
EUAN’s trousers are sprayed with mud from the impact.
As in 2.2.
He begins lifting out his tent, a two-man job, which he manages to assemble fairly adeptly. To avoid unnecessary viewer boredom this could be a montage of essential points during the assembly – all from the same angle with the same atmospheric conditions. Or we can just cut out whenever. Over this we hear:
EUAN (VO) I’d always had an ambition to travel, see the world. Unfortunately my salary restricted me to a more modest destination. Wales. I live in bloody Wales. Admittedly I live in a part of Wales with amenities, so I suppose that’s a change, which is as good as a rest, if you believe my Mum.
We see as though shooting through the tent flap (which, at that, we probably will be). EUAN in his new abode. He looks miserable and wet, and is scrabbling around looking for something in his pack which isn’t. Everything is lit more or less exclusively by the rich colour of the polyester outer shell of the tent. Probably blue or red. Some fill-in lighting to make the thing comprehensible, maybe. We hear the scrattle[1] of raindrops on canvas. Occasional distant swearing noises from outside. EUAN hums a suitably recognizable Carpenters track, his secret vice.
EUAN (VO) In fact, though, I had an urgent reason for leaving town for a while. His name was Arthur Rutledge.
An electric clock of the institutional variety stands on the wall – as the scene starts it reads about 2:45. An office with a frosted glass door is visible to the left. A shop door is on the right. There are three Victorian-ish desks. The place has the air of a shabby Victorian counting-house cluttered with a fan from the mid 1960s, three grotty workstations with 15” monitors, a nondescript printer, a gleaming Xerox photocopier – the older the better – and a succession of similar filing cabinets along the (to us) back wall with about two years age-difference between them, suggesting progressive expansion.
At the corner desk sits EUAN, in a very conventional suit. VIC SWANSEA and BOB DOUBLE sit at the next two desks, also conventionally attired. It is clear that the whole outfit would have seen better days, had there ever been better days.
MR. RUTLEDGE, a large, sweating man with a comparatively dignified combover, enters from the shop door, consulting a pocket-watch.
VO in this scene should be almost muttered, as though EUAN is suppressing the thoughts in case they make him giggle.
RUTLEDGE Afternoon, boys.
EUAN (VO) Rutledge was my boss.
EUAN, VIC, BOB (slightly jumbled) Afternoon, Mr. Rutledge.
EUAN (VO) He’d qualified as an accountant some time in about 1870.
RUTLEDGE I want the reports for the Trevithick account, Grey.
EUAN (VO) He’d kept his original suit.
EUAN Yes, Mr. Rutledge.
RUTLEDGE scratches his head.
EUAN (VO) But his hair had gone the way of all flesh.
RUTLEDGE See I get it before a quarter past four!
EUAN Yes, Mr. Rutledge.
RUTLEDGE Our clients rely on us to be punctual!
RUTLEDGE examines his pocket watch again. It has stopped – we see his reaction. He shakes it, and looks around furtively to the electric clock on the wall. He retires to his office, setting his watch and hoping vainly that no-one has noticed.
Bob and Vic are heard off camera.
EUAN (VO) I was still in the doghouse for a time I’d completely forgotten to tabulate a set of accounts, and then remembered at ten the night before.
BOB His watch has stopped again.
EUAN (VO) I’d sneaked in and finished them overnight. It had taken me until four the next morning.
VIC You mean he’d finally got it started?
EUAN (VO) I got home around five, thinking I’d catch a couple of hours before work.
BOB He bought some jumper cables yesterday.
EUAN (VO) Of course, I overslept. The accounts I’d worked on all night were sitting in my desk drawer at nine, when the client came to call.
VIC (referring to the jumper cables) They’re just for waking Euan up.
(VIC and BOB snigger.)
EUAN (VO) As I crept furtively in at ten fifteen, hoping not to be noticed, I was greeted by:
Exaggerated colour to indicate flashback. Looking up towards Rutledge’s office door, which frames Rutledge. Hugely exaggerated fury contorts his face. Track towards door throughout shot.
RUTLEDGE (screams)
It’s half past bloody eleven!
The reverse mid shot, looking at a vaguely cowering EUAN, pointing at the clock.
EUAN Um … no, sir … it’s only
ten-fifteen ….
As in 4.1
EUAN (VO) His watch had stopped, again. My timekeeping advice was not taken kindly.
EUAN looks down and types. BOB and VIC are still sniggering.
EUAN (VO) Fortunately I’d come better-prepared, this time.
Fade through to:
Identical shot to previous scene but later in the afternoon. The shadows have moved over slightly as the sun has lowered, and the light is slightly yellower. The clock now reads 4:10 or so.
EUAN prints out his final file and walks over to the printer with a ring binder. It’s about ten pages, so the people watching don’t get bored. He picks it up and straightens it, then hole punches it with a hole punch by the printer, snaps it adeptly into the ring binder, takes a deep breath, straightens his tie, and walks into RUTLEDGE’s office.
We see the office from the doorway. RUTLEDGE is sitting at his desk, wearing a pair of headphones and weeping, with his eyes closed and a beatific expression on his face. Strains of opera can be heard from the headphones. We see that a stereo set is cunningly concealed in a cabinet to the rear left of the office as we now see it.
We can see EUAN in the doorway on the right and RUTLEDGE at his desk on the left. A wire trails towards us from the headphones and out of shot to the lower-left (where the stereo would be). EUAN coughs.
EUAN I’ve finished those…
While EUAN is speaking, RUTLEDGE’s eyes open and an expression of abject shame, fear and anger suffuses his face.
EUAN …accounts you, er, asked/ me to ….
RUTLEDGE (shouts, but shakily and not with fury) Get out!
EUAN (incredibly fast) Right, I’ll just leave them here then.
EUAN puts the file on RUTLEDGE’s desk, spins on his heel, and walks out of the door, closing it swiftly behind him, but deadening its motion at the last moment to stop it closing loudly.
We look towards EUAN levelly (he is still in Rutledge’s doorway). Perhaps zooming in very slightly during this shot.
EUAN (VO) I was utterly unprepared to see the old man
like that. I was so used to ridiculing
him in my mind for his bluffness and his bluntness and his utter mundanity. (pause) And his watch that kept stopping. (pause) But you can’t mock a man who weeps at opera
for that.
Identical to 7.1.
VIC (utterly unconcerned) Got the old man his file on time?
EUAN (shaken, but knowing he mustn’t
show it) Yeah, yeah.
VIC Did he notice?
Vic and Bob snigger.
EUAN sits down.
EUAN (VO) Sitting at the old familiar desk and looking
at the old familiar things now seemed alien, because the familiarity had
obviously been a nothing but a façade covering something far older and
stranger, like the cheap wallpaper done on the oak paneling in the fifties.
Trevithick, who is utterly irrelevant and therefore can be any oldish town businessman, enters. His and BOB’s
following speech goes underneath EUAN’s following VO.
TREVITHICK I’m here to see Mr. Rutledge.
BOB Right this way, sir.
BOB leads TREVITHICK towards RUTLEDGE’s office.
EUAN (VO) I had no idea how I was ever going to face
Rutledge again. However, that was
decided for me.
Rutledge opens his office
door, significantly more composed.
RUTLEDGE I’d like to speak with you after Mr. Trevithick has gone, if I might, Grey.
EUAN Oh … yes, Mr. Rutledge.
EUAN looks discomposed. He leans on his left arm.
EUAN still looks discomposed.
EUAN I wasn’t worried about what would happen to me. Just what we’d say. What can you say?
Fade through to
EUAN still looks discomposed, but has slumped further down the desk, with his left arm pushing various objects along as he has slumped.
RUTLEDGE is heard opening the door.
RUTLEDGE (off) Well, good evening, Mr. Trevithick.
TREVITHICK (off) Good evening, Mr. Rutledge.
Noises of TREVITHICK shambling toward the outer door. He leaves.
RUTLEDGE (off) (kindly) Well, Grey … if you’re free ….
EUAN Oh … righto, Mr. Rutledge.
He gets up and steels himself. We get to see his loins as he girds them, as the shot doesn’t change.
The office has one sturdy old desk, two sturdy old chairs, and a sturdy old man – to wit, RUTLEDGE. He is in the larger chair.
We see the office from the doorway. RUTLEDGE is sitting at his desk.
RUTLEDGE (slightly embarrassed) Well, Grey. It seems I owe you something of an explanation.
We can see EUAN in the doorway on the right and RUTLEDGE at his desk on the left.
EUAN Um … do you, sir?
RUTLEDGE Sit down, sit down.
EUAN Thank you.
He sits, incredibly awkwardly.
RUTLEDGE and EUAN both begin talking simultaneously.
RUTLEDGE When you came in this afternoon …
EUAN I mean, there’s really no reason why you …
They stop. RUTLEDGE continues.
RUTLEDGE Well, now. Perhaps I ought to start by asking a question.
Flashback to EUAN’s job interview:
Identical shot, but perhaps a year before. Exaggerated formality of the job interview: stiff shirt collars, high contrast.
RUTLEDGE How do you see your future in accountancy?
Identical to scene 10.
EUAN (VO) Oh, hell.
EUAN Well …
RUTLEDGE Let me put it this way. Was accountancy what you’d always dreamed of doing?
EUAN Oh … well … I wouldn’t say I’d dreamed ….
But RUTLEDGE is off.
RUTLEDGE Did you know I once trained as a Baritone?
EUAN (for this is, indeed, news) No, sir!
RUTLEDGE Yes, I did. With the Welsh National Opera, back in the founding days, look you! I had real talent, they said. (pause) I saw Tosca when I was fifteen. It was heartbreakingly beautiful. (pause) I knew then, see, that I needed to sing. And I did sing!
EUAN (VO) God knows what he was expecting me to say in return to all this.
RUTLEDGE Then my father died, and … well, my older brother took over the business, but he needed someone to help him, see? So I came in as a clerk and trained as an accountant. And now I’m the only Rutledge left.
EUAN I’m … sorry ….
RUTLEDGE So what I’m coming to is … what did you always dream of doing?
EUAN (almost involuntarily) Writing.
RUTLEDGE Writing, is that it? Well, let me make a suggestion.
EUAN Yes?
RUTLEDGE For God’s sake, bloody write something. Take some holiday. (fervently) Pursue it!
EUAN (VO) This was acutely embarrassing.
EUAN I will, sir! I will! And now I have to go.
He all but runs out.
We track backwards as EUAN walks out of the door. He’s going fairly briskly. All the shops are shut.
EUAN (VO) I didn’t think I’d have been able to show my face in the office anyway. So I decided to pick a holiday destination as quickly as possible.
Cut to:
We track backwards as EUAN walks away from his house. Basically the same as last shot. He’s now wearing his backpack.
EUAN (VO) Camping’s cheap. And I had a tent.
Cut to:
We track backwards as EUAN walks past the train he’s going to catch.
EUAN (VO) And then I remembered that Charlie and Dave were going camping somewhere. So I called them.
Cut to:
He’s leaning against the window and smiling slightly. Scenery rushes past. We don’t see a lot of it just the fact it’s rushing. FX phone rings, as heard from the caller end. We’re hearing EUAN calling DAVE from EUAN’s end.
DAVE (VO phone) Hello?
EUAN (VO) Hi …
DAVE (VO phone) Euan! Wow, man, how are you?
EUAN (VO) Listen, this camping trip you’re going on. Is there any chance I could come?
cut to:
The exact same shot, but in a bus. The VO conversation continues seamlessly.
DAVE (VO phone) Um … I don’t see why not. It’s all a bit sudden, though … what made you decide to come?
EUAN I’ll tell you when I get there ….
Much the same shot as before, but darker. The rain has stopped. We are about eight feet from Euan’s tent flap. He leans out and picks up his walking boots, which he’d left outside (toes facing us, right way round). He inverts them separately. They are full of water. A frog leaps out of the second boot (left for him, right for us) as he goes to pick it up. He leans back into the tent and zips the flap shut.
EUAN (VO) And here I was. I hadn’t seen a sign of Dave or Charlie yet, but I knew they were around somewhere.
Some kind of order has been achieved. A small soggy pile in the near right corner. A bedroll and sleeping bag arranged on the left side of the tent, feet towards us. EUAN is leaning over to the centre of shot (his left) reading a paperback of Billy Liar, ideally an old edition.
EUAN (VO) Even without your friends, camping is a very friendly pursuit. You can hear everything everyone else on the site is doing. People think they’re isolated in their tent. Sitting there, separated from you by two layers of fabric and twenty feet of air, they discuss their intimate lives, until they hear you close your book (closes book) and suddenly realize you can hear them, too (puts book down preparatory to going to sleep) – but the damage is done. In the morning, somehow you have to say hello – because in a sense, you already have ….
FX fart, distant, right channel.
EUAN (VO) A greeting!
FX fart, nearer, right channel.
EUAN (VO) Two in a row …
FX fart, left channel.
EUAN (VO) … and another … perhaps it’s some kind of semaphore. Perhaps there is a long chain of flatulent men in tents sending messages to France. I wonder what wondrous communication they have for the French?
(beat)
Frrt, most likely.
Fade to black.
Fade up to basically the same shot, although slightly lighter. It is morning. EUAN wakens. Outside, we can hear a conversation. It is taking place about eight feet beyond the back left corner of the tent (where EUAN’s head is).
The protagonists, although we do not know it yet, are WOLFGANG and FLORIAN. They have near-perfect English.
FLORIAN OK, hold your end a bit more closely.
WOLFGANG I’m holding it as closely as possible.
FLORIAN Then why is my end moving so fluidly?
EUAN looks up. All there is to see is tent, but it’s an instinctive gesture.
EUAN (VO) Putting up a tent?
He picks up his paperback.
FLORIAN Look, you see, look! It must be possible for you to hold your end more closely.
WOLFGANG Well you picked the easy end.
FLORIAN Do not be so babyish!
WOLFGANG But its nose pokes me.
EUAN drops his paperback suddenly. “Nose?” he says quietly to himself.
EUAN (quietly) Nose?
See?
We see Euan’s tent filling about a third of the shot on the right of the frame (area-wise). FLORIAN and WOFLGANG are identically dressed in red shirts and black trousers and are manoeuvring, or trying to manoeuvre, a small sheep. EUAN’s head pokes out of his tent flap.
EUAN Here!
FLORIAN Hello!
EUAN Here, /what are you –
FLORIAN Hello, um, we are
WOLFGANG (seizes FLORIAN’s arm) Sag er nicht was wir machen! (Or a more correct version)
FLORIAN Alllso. Um, hello, my friend, and /we are
EUAN Is that your sheep?
A pause. FLORIAN and WOLFGANG look at the floor, then at the sheep, then at each other, and then at the floor. They look … perturbed and embarrassed. FLORIAN looks up.
FLORIAN Actually, no, we are borrowing it for an art project.
WOLFGANG (furious imprecations in German to the effect of) You idiot, I told you not to tell him!
FLORIAN (likewise in German, which I ought to mention I know but little) But what would he think of us were we to be the owners of the sheep?
WOLFGANG looks at Florian.
WOLFGANG (Germanically) Yeah, good point.
They wander off, leaving the sheep. It looks, as far as is possible for a sheep, grateful towards EUAN, who returns to his tent. Fade out.
Exterior, day. Fade in on same shot as faded out last scene. EUAN leans out of the tent flap. The sheep is still there, facing his boots. He drags a canteen out of the tent and dumps it on the ground next to them. Then he turns to put them on. As he picks them up, a frog jumps out of the boot on our left. He shakes them a bit and stands up, one foot in the tent, and starts to put on the other. Having got that on, he stands on the booted foot outside the tent, looking puzzled for a moment, then picks up the other and puts that on, too. He sits arse inside the tent, everything else protruding, as he begins them.
Exterior, day. Wide shot as for first shot of campsite. Atmospheric. Midmorning, sunny, idyllic in a cut-price way. Another fart is heard echoing quietly through the morning.
Exterior, day. EUAN has finished lacing his boots, and walks off out of shot left. The sheep contemplates where his boots were for a few seconds, and then follows.
Exterior, day. EUAN walking down and left in shot. The sheep following.
EUAN (VO) In the new-minted morning, the site, still slightly frosted with dew, is almost beautiful. Nature holds its breath …
The sheep bleats. The sound echoes.
EUAN … and, suddenly, cries forth. (beat) I wonder why that sheep is following me?
The tap possessed by all campsites. We can see two other people, men of EUAN’s age – DAVE, also Welsh, and CHARLIE, from Reading – standing there. DAVE is nursing the remains of a bad hangover, and attempting to cure it by swigging direct from the tap. CHARLIE is fastidiously clean-shaven, in a pristine anorak – not the trainspotter variety, but a fine garment, or CHARLIE makes it seem like one, anyway. DAVE is EUAN’s height, but CHARLIE is slighter and seems slightly older. DAVE
CHARLIE (solicitously) You really should boil it. (pause) You don’t know what main that’s tapped off. (pause) Not to mention other people who’ve done the same as you. (pause) All sorts of diseases they could have.
EUAN walks into shot.
EUAN Mornin’.
DAVE (burbles incoherently beneath the tap) Mornin’, Euan.
CHARLIE (turns to face EUAN) Mornin’, Euan … (turns back) hepatitis, you could catch.
EUAN (fitting into what would have been a pause) Heavy night?
CHARLIE Or worms. You could get worms. (to EUAN, briefly) Well, Dave got a bit excited, ‘cause she was there. (EUAN reacts to this – he wants to know who “she” is. CHARLIE turns to DAVE) Or scurvy. You fancy a dose of scurvy?
DAVE (finally provoked into an answer) You can not get scurvy off taps. It’s vitamin C deficiency.
CHARLIE Just checking you were paying attention.
DAVE Anyway, I’m the bloody doctor.
EUAN Who was there?
CHARLIE (pointing) You’re not /qualified yet!
DAVE (with CHARLIE) … qualified yet, no, well, smarty pants, you wait. This term I take my finals.
EUAN (VO) God help the medical profession.
CHARLIE (mumbles) Yeah, well, my mum’s a doctor …
EUAN Who was there?
DAVE Who was where?
EUAN That you got excited about.
CHARLIE … and she always said to boil it …
DAVE Oh, you remember that girl from Uni?
EUAN (VO) Of course I do.
EUAN Oh, hang on, you mean … tip of my tongue …
EUAN (VO) Annette.
EUAN It’ll come to me in a minute …
CHARLIE You must remember her!
The next bit has to be as tight as possible, with “… no, really, who?” following instantly from “… three years”.
EUAN (VO) (tonelessly) Annette with long brown hair, who had a steady boyfriend in Gloucester, who could have had any man alive and some dead-ish at Bangor University. Annette whose image haunted my nights for three years.
EUAN … no, really, who?
DAVE … Annette!
The sheep, unseen, bleats – for it has followed EUAN to the tap.
EUAN Oh, her! How is she then?
CHARLIE Oh, not bad. She’s been to the States for a year.
DAVE She’s on the same campsite. Anyway, we all had a bit of a celebrate, like.
CHARLIE Well, you did.
EUAN So how did she find Seattle?
DAVE Oh,
great! Great fish restaurants,
apparently. (But the concept of fish
restaurants reawakens the gastric component of his hangover in a sudden tsunami
of nausea.)
CHARLIE How did you know she was in Seattle?
EUAN’s face does a perfect freeze-frame as he realizes his error.
EUAN (VO) Oh, shit.
EUAN Um …
But EUAN is saved from having to explain how he knows by the arrival of ANNETTE herself. She is extremely pretty in a large-eyed smiling sort of way, with the aforementioned brown hair in an Alice band. She’s wearing jeans and a coat – the jeans could be carried if hiking, and the coat worn, for she is extremely practical also. With her is SHARON, who is also quite pretty but in a way which states the words “Pony Club” without the need for words. SHARON is very fashionably and expensively attired in a manner utterly unsuitable for a muddy campsite: so for example, her trousers (slacks, darling, slacks) could be cream, yet mud- and grass-stained in a probably-irreversible way. DAVE is looking a bit green.
ANNETTE Hi, folks! Hi, Euan!
EUAN Oh, hi, um … Annette! Wow, it must have been, what, two years.
ANNETTE Yeah, long time! You remember Sharon?
EUAN (beginning to clam up fatally) How do you do.
SHARON Hello, Euan!
CHARLIE (curious about EUAN’s knowledge of ANNETTE’s trip to Seattle) Euan was just wondering how you found your stay in Seattle.
DAVE Excuse
me for a moment. (he exits frame, a
bit rapidly)
ANNETTE Oh, alright … hey, it’s good to see you again.
She hugs EUAN in a manner which is clearly intended as purely friendly, yet does nothing for his rising panic.
EUAN (formally) And you, yes. (beat) And now you’re back!
ANNETTE You’re still pretty observant, then. (to Charlie) Hey, is Dave OK?
They both look in the direction DAVE exited frame. EUAN starts to get his composure back.
CHARLIE I warned him. I warned him to boil the water.
They both wince.
ANNETTE Ooh, poor thing.
DAVE returns. He looks extremely unhappy. EUAN looks at DAVE, and DAVE looks back. EUAN goes silently to the tap and fills his canteen, then puts his arm round DAVE and leads him off. DAVE looks as grateful as it’s possible to look when your entire head appears to be filled with acid.
We have just EUAN and DAVE in frame, in that order. Dully pretty scenery behind them. DAVE is looking a lot better, but still slightly groggy.
DAVE Is that your sheep?
Sheep bleats out of shot.
EUAN What? (looks and sees the sheep, out of shot right) No, it just showed up this morning.
DAVE (archly) Oh, did it now?
A pause.
EUAN Are you implying something?
DAVE (scoffing slightly) I’m not saying anything!
EUAN Alright then.
A pause.
DAVE Although, you know, it is a sheep.
EUAN Yes.
DAVE And it is following you around.
EUAN (grimly determined not to rise to it) Yes.
DAVE And you are Welsh.
EUAN (exasperated) But I’m from a mining area. We don’t even farm sheep where I live. There aren’t any.
DAVE All the more reason you should take the opportunity now …
EUAN (interrupting) Oh for God’s sake!
DAVE (laughing) It’s alright, mate, I’m only kidding.
EUAN I mean there were these German blokes who were trying to nick it this morning and I told them to stop, see? And it’s been following me since.
DAVE “I am the Good Shepherd, and my sheep know my voice.”
EUAN I just wish I could get rid of it.
DAVE Are you alright, mate?
EUAN (obviously feeling crap) Yeah, OK. Why?
DAVE (trying to get on to the subject tactfully) Well, it’s just not like you to get annoyed about a sheep.
EUAN (relaxing from taught into despondent) No, I suppose it isn’t. (pause) Did you know she was going to be here?
DAVE Who?
EUAN You know.
DAVE Yeah. No.
A pause.
EUAN When you say “yeah, no”, do you mean /“yeah, I know …
DAVE I mean “yeah, I know /who you mean …
EUAN Only joking.
A pause.
EUAN Nice here, isn’t it?
DAVE I thought you’d got over her, anyway?
EUAN Yeah. No.
A pause.
DAVE When you say /“yeah, no” …
EUAN I don’t know.
A pause.
DAVE (kindly) Yeah, it is nice here. (pause) You’ll be OK, mate. You probably just need some breakfast. Me, I could murder a fry-up.
We see from above the door hinge. Behind the counter is MRS. JONES. EUAN and DAVE enter beneath us. The sheep is presumably unable to get in. DAVE picks up a half-dozen eggs and a packet of bacon from a fridge to the right of shot.
EUAN (VO) Dave had correctly identified the cure for my distressed state.
DAVE (cheerfully) Morning, Mrs. Jones!
MRS. JONES Morning, David! Oh, is this another of your friends?
DAVE (handing her the packets) Yes, this is Euan. He just arrived yesterday evening.
EUAN (shyly) Morning.
RALPH enters behind them
MRS. JONES Morning, Mr. Cheeseman! (to DAVE) That’ll be fifty-eight pence, please.
RALPH Mornin’, Mrs. Jones.
DAVE (handing over the money) Thanks.
MRS. JONES Well, by-bye, now! (to RALPH) Cough any better, Mr. Cheeseman?
EUAN and DAVE leave.
RALPH Oh, not so bad. I’m expectoratin’ a bit less today.
MRS. JONES (sympathetically) Oh, that’s a comfort.
DAVE is frying stuff over a primus stove. EUAN is sitting on a groundsheet next to him, eating some of the food already cooked.. CHARLIE enters shot.
CHARLIE I hope you’re cooking that properly.
DAVE (with resignation) Hi, Charlie.
CHARLIE Only those little stoves, they can be unreliable. (pause) You don’t get a very hot flame. (pause) Not much hotter than a candle.
DAVE Gas flames can get to about 900 degrees, Charlie.
CHARLIE (surprised in spite of himself) Really? Wow. 900 degrees?
DAVE (proffering food) Want some?
CHARLIE (as one who eventually gives in after great internal conflict) Go on, then.
DAVE hands CHARLIE a plate. He puts some of the frying stuff on it, and CHARLIE sits down next to EUAN and begins eating. The sheep bleats out of shot.
CHARLIE Euan?
EUAN Yes?
CHARLIE That sheep …
EUAN … is not mine.
CHARLIE Right. Right. Thought I’d ask. (pause) Only it was with you this morning, see, and /I just won … (doesn’t finish wondered)
EUAN It’s following me around. I don’t know why, some German blokes were trying to nick it and they just left it by my tent.
CHARLIE Ah, right enough. (pause) Only, see, my uncle once told me …
EUAN … yes?
CHARLIE Never mind.
EUAN is rinsing his things under the tap. SHARON comes into shot.
SHARON Hi there.
EUAN (surprised) Oh, hello …
SHARON I think Charlie’s on to you.
EUAN Oh, sod … well, I suppose it was to be expected.
SHARON Look, why don’t you just admit it? (pointedly) To everyone?
EUAN (VO) Oh, no. That would be too easy.
EUAN Well, there’s her boyfriend, for a start.
SHARON Is there? I haven’t heard about him for a while.
She starts trying to wash out a pan under the tap. Something expensive and wildly inappropriate for camping has been made in it, and is intransigent.
SHARON Um … you couldn’t help with this, could you?
EUAN takes the pan and looks at it.
EUAN Nice pan.
SHARON Yes.
EUAN Bechamel sauce, eh? Ambitious.
SHARON Yes.
EUAN (sucks air in over his teeth in the time-honoured fashion) I reckon that’ll need a scourer taking to it.
SHARON (crestfallen) Oh.
EUAN It’s ok. There’s a little shop that probably does them.
SHARON Oh, would you? Oh, you are a sweetheart. (beat) Is that sheep …
EUAN No.
SHARON Oh, good.
EUAN In fact, that sheep is getting tied up the first opportunity I get. (SHARON looks startled) I mean to stop it following me!
SHARON (only slightly relieved) Oh, good … well, good ….
She exits, leaving EUAN with the pan. EUAN looks at it.
EUAN (VO) Bum clouds.
The sheep bleats.
We see from above the door hinge. Behind the counter is MRS. JONES. There is a huge rack down the left side of the shop. The near third is given to magazines and newspapers. The far half has blue scarves, hats, etc. The remaining sixth has a few weedy-looking red scarves and hats. A similarly weedy bloke, GARY, is looking furtively at the rack. DES comes in, however, a burly hooligan-looking geezer in a blue rugby jersey, and makes straight for the blue scarf collection and picks up one of everything. He goes to pay MRS. JONES.
EUAN (VO) And so, off to the little shop I go.
EUAN walks in.
EUAN Hello again, Mrs. Jones!
MRS. JONES looks round from serving DES.
MRS. JONES Morning, Euan lad!
EUAN Lovely day for it.
MRS. JONES Oh, it is, right enough!
Euan wanders over and picks up a Daily Mail. DES finishes paying and leaves. GARY quickly goes over to the shelf with red scarves and makes a perfect right-angle turn into the children’s toy shelf as GAV, a similarly burly blue-clad chap, comes in and goes through the same rigmarole as DES – full kit then to the checkout. GARY appears to be examining a Barbie doll or cheap pound shop equivalent with great intensity.
Over all this:
EUAN (VO) “Asylum Seekers Responsible for Tax Rises”. You’ve got to hand it to the Mail, really. (beat) Well, no, you haven’t.
He puts down the Mail and picks up a Guardian. GAV has finished paying. GARY literally pounces on a red scarf as NED walks in – NED is wearing blue and heads to the scarf shelf. GARY flings the red scarf aside and grabs the nearest object. It is a pornographic magazine (ideally with a nice big masthead saying RAZZLE or something suitably recognizable yet seedy – and with as little explicit content visible to shot as possible). We see him, slightly startled, going through the charade of appearing interested – examining the price code, flipping the pages, and turning a lovely shade of puce. NED couldn’t care less and goes to the checkout, followed by EUAN with the Guardian and a scourer he spots in a small rack.
MRS. JONES Seventy-five pence, love.
NED is leaving. GARY finally seizes the scarf and darts into line behind Euan.
EUAN Cheers, Mrs. Jones.
He goes to leave, but his eye is caught by a leaflet advertising a miniature railway.
EUAN (VO) Miniature steam railway? In Wales? What will they think of next?
NED
pays and leaves just ahead of EUAN.
We see the shot cropped to the shop front, from a high angle so people can leave frame beneath the camera. The sheep is ambling about. GARY exits the shop followed immediately by EUAN – only for GARY to bump, literally, into DES, who is standing with NED and GAV – the burly supporters of the other team. GARY jumps like a rabbit and runs off out of shot left.
DES (extremely friendly – calls after GARY) May the best team win!
EUAN crosses the road towards us and disappears off the bottom of the frame. The sheep follows him.
GAV Looks like bein’ a fair match, too.
An old lady, MRS. TRETHEWYN, appears on the right edge of shot, carrying about four plastic bags. She dodders, as if to cross the road. NED goes to her.
NED Hello, Mrs. Trethewyn! Let me help you with those heavy bags, now.
MRS. TRETHEWYN Oh, God bless you, Ned lad!
They leave shot by the bottom right corner, crossing the road towards and to the right of camera.
He is walking briskly back to the campsite, trailed at a short distance by the sheep. Camera tracks to follow. We see ANNETTE catch up with him.
ANNETTE Hey!
Camera tracking as before.
EUAN Oh, hello.
The sheep bleats, off.
ANNETTE Hey, is that the sheep those artists were talking about?
EUAN (surprised) Artists?
ANNETTE Yeah, Florian and Wolfgang. They were borrowing it from farmer Jones.
EUAN (yet more surprised) Borrowing?
ANNETTE That’s right, for an art project. They said they’d got stuck, given up, and left it by someone’s tent, and the guy they described sounded like you.
EUAN (slightly lost) I … they … it … (sudden inspiration) Why a sheep?
ANNETTE God knows. I think it had something to do with the synthesis of the rural idyll with the modern ideal of progress, leading to a vision heartbreaking in its dissonance.
EUAN (cautiously) Have you been writing artist’s statements?
ANNETTE (smiling) Read a couple. (pause) Have you written anything lately?
EUAN (this is not a good subject) Are you sharing a tent with Sharon? ‘Cause I’ve got her pan. (recalls) Oh, and a scouring pad. (starts fishing for the pad)
ANNETTE (archly) So, the novel hasn’t been submitted.
EUAN I dunno. (weakly) What is there to write about that hasn’t already been written?
A pause.
ANNETTE How about the eternal love triangle among single-celled organisms?
EUAN Mills and Boon have it covered.
ANNETTE (how obvious) Right.
Camera stops tracking, they walk off.
Angled as formerly. EUAN walks into shot from the left just as RALPH walks round from beyond the tent. The sheep follows EUAN.
RALPH Hello, lad!
EUAN Oh … hello.
RALPH That your sheep?
EUAN (emphatically but politely) No.
RALPH Well enough, well enough. (cough, pause) And are you taking it into the tent with you?
EUAN It isn’t my sheep.
RALPH Oh, I see. I see. (pause) Nice-looking sheep, that.
EUAN I … imagine it could be, yes.
RALPH Yes. Well, be seeing you.
RALPH exits the way EUAN entered.
EUAN (VO) In hell.
EUAN dumps his things in his tent and goes to exit the way he came, then thinks better of it and exits the other way.
EUAN (VO) Time for a walk. Somewhere else.
EUAN, CHARLIE and DAVE, all walking along (to the right). Camera tracks to follow. The sheep follows.
CHARLIE Dave …
DAVE … yes?
CHARLIE Is it true what they say about if you sneeze with your eyes open, the eyeballs fall out?
DAVE No.
CHARLIE Oh.
FLORIAN and WOLFGANG enter from right, i.e. walking in the opposite direction to the others.
FLORIAN Good day.
WOLFGANG Hello.
DAVE, CHARLIE Hi.
EUAN glares at them. The sheep bleats.
CHARLIE Are they the ones you saw stealing the sheep, then, Euan?
EUAN Apparently they were only borrowing it from farmer Jones.
DAVE What on earth for?
EUAN Something to do with the synthesis of the rural idyll with the modern ideal of progress, leading to a vision heartbreaking in its dissonance.
DAVE What?
EUAN Nothing. (he
smiles a little to himself)
A pause.
CHARLIE Here, Euan, have you written anything recently?
EUAN Not recently. Not since University, actually. (beat) I think I might be on to something, though.
DAVE Heh … what have you got up your sleeve?
EUAN A love-triangle composed of amoebas.
CHARLIE (smirkingly) Won’t your arm get wet?
EUAN No, seriously, though … I think I might have something.
CHARLIE With amoebas up your sleeve, I’m not surprised.
DAVE Hope it isn’t catching.
EUAN (laughingly) Ah, shut up ….
The bar is on the left and the door on the right. EUAN, CHARLIE and DAVE enter through the door. RALPH sits at a table in the corner, nursing a half-drunk pint. ANNETTE sits at another table, nursing a half-drunk SHARON.
EUAN (VO) And so, to the pub.
EUAN What do you want?
DAVE Oh … Guinness, I think.
CHARLIE Bitter for me, thanks.
SHARON (loudly) Euan! Hi! Over here!
EUAN Oh, hello …
EUAN walks over. DAVE grabs a couple of chairs in the background and CHARLIE grabs a third. They begin walking over.
SHARON If you’re buying I’ll have another martini.
EUAN Oh, right, /it’s
SHARON (in a very loud stage whisper) Offer Annette one!
EUAN (who was going to anyway and now finds himself forestalled – therefore through gritted teeth) Right, thanks. (to Annette) What would you like?
ANNETTE You don’t have to.
EUAN (suppressing mild panic) No, I’d like to.
ANNETTE Well, a bitter, then, please. But I’ll get it.
EUAN No, no, no, no, no. (aware that he has just said no five times in succession) I wouldn’t hear of it.
ANNETTE If you’re sure ….
DAVE tries to put the chairs down at the same time and they both fall over. Much scraping as he picks them up.
DAVE (from floor) Oh, he is.
EUAN Right.
He exits left, to:
where he enters right.
EUAN (VO) Guinness, martini, two bitters … no, three, one for me. Guinness, martini, three bitters. I
But his train of thought is interrupted by:
RALPH (off) Hello, lad!
RALPH enters right.
EUAN Oh … hello.
EUAN (VO) Oh help.
RALPH (to the barmaid out of shot) Pint of bitter, please, love. (to EUAN) Will you have one, now?
EUAN (VO) Oh, God. What if he spikes it and takes me back to his tent? What if he brings the sheep? Guinness, martini, two – three bitters …
EUAN (swallows) Well, thank you very much, Mr., er …
RALPH … Cheeseman …
EUAN … Cheeseman, yes, but I have to buy a round for my friends, and I couldn’t dream of trespassing to that extent on your hospitality.
RALPH Oh, well, if you’re sure?
EUAN Yes, yes, ye- (checks himself) – I am sure, thank you.
RALPH Well, perhaps another day. (takes his pint)
BARMAID (off) That’ll be ninety-five pence.
EUAN (VO) Guinness, martini, three bitters.
BARMAID (off) Can I help you?
EUAN Three bitters. Pardon?
EUAN comes on bearing four beer glasses with a martini balanced on the top. If the actor feels this is unfeasible, he may accept the assistance of a tray or the lovely JANET, magician’s assistant to the greatest. The drinks, in any case, reach the table largely intact. EUAN finds that his chair is between SHARON and ANNETTE. There are universal murmurs of thanks as he sits down.
EUAN Oh, no bother at all. No, no, that’s fine.
All drink, slightly asynchronously.
CHARLIE … so, anyway, apparently it isn’t true.
SHARON Really? I thought it was.
CHEESEMAN is chatting up the barmaid.
CHEESEMAN So these lads, they’re conceptual artists. Fascinating thing. They’re trying to get a sheep and photograph it in a miner’s overall – specially tailored, look you! It’s something to do with (quotes from memory – looking up and to his right) the synthesis of the rural idyll with the modern ideal of progress, leading to a vision heartbreaking in its dissonance.
BARMAID A sheep?
CHEESEMAN Right enough.
BARMAID Why a sheep?
CHEESEMAN I don’t know much about art. (sips beer) Do you know what it is, the bitter’s lovely this evening, Rita.
CHARLIE No. Although apparently if you do it too much it can damage the membranes.
EUAN drinks. Everyone is about halfway down by now.
SHARON That is absolutely fascinating! (aside, to EUAN) Have you told her?
Inevitable spluttering.
ANNETTE Oh, are you alright?
SHARON Annette, Euan has something to say.
ANNETTE (carefully) Oh, I see.
EUAN (bowing to the inevitable) Yes, that’s right, I …
EUAN picks up the remaining beer and downs it.
EUAN I was wondzering if you wanted another drink?
ANNETTE Well, I’m doing alright, thanks.
EUAN Anyone else?
SHARON Oh, please! (realizing she is thwarting her own plan to get EUAN to fess up) Annette, help Euan carry!
EUAN That’s only two so far.
CHARLIE (twigging and helping EUAN out) Oh, nothing for me.
DAVE I’ll have a …
CHARLIE (kicks DAVE, who yelps slightly) Nothing for you, either.
DAVE But I … (twigs likewise) Oh, oh! Oh no. No more.
EUAN (forced cheer) Well, I’d best get those drinks.
Shot, personnel as formerly.
CHEESEMAN … blow your eyeballs right out!
EUAN enters right.
EUAN A bitter and a martini, please.
CHEESEMAN Oh, hello again, lad! And how are your friends? (rogueishly) Putting it away a bit, eh? I was just telling Rita here how you’re one of those conceptual artists.
EUAN Am I?
CHEESEMAN Well, when I saw you with that sheep, I assumed you were doing an art project, like those two German fellas.
EUAN You did?
CHEESEMAN Wanted to keep it under your hat, eh? Well, your secret is safe with me.
EUAN (contemplates explaining and decides against) Oh, good. (to barmaid) A bitter and a martini, please.
BARMAID Certainly.
CHEESEMAN Well – I’d best be on my way.
BARMAID exits left, CHEESEMAN exits right, ANNETTE enters right shortly thereafter.
ANNETTE I’ve changed my mind.
EUAN About the drink?
ANNETTE And that, yes. I just wanted to tell you –
BARMAID enters
BARMAID That’ll be –
EUAN Oh, another bitter, please! Sorry!
BARMAID No trouble.
and exits again.
ANNETTE Well – it’s like this. If you find yourself wanting to tell me anything not involving drinks, I’ll be in the red tent nearest the water tap.
EUAN Oh, I s(ee) – wait – what –
ANNETTE leans up and kisses him gently on one cheek
EUAN (finally getting it) Oh. Oh.
ANNETTE See you in a minute.
exits right
EUAN (VO) Blimey.
He is still looking off after ANNETTE when the barmaid returns.
BARMAID Sir?
As for most of the panoramic views of the campsite. EUAN walks to his tent. The sheep pursues. EUAN opens his tent flap. Suddenly, EUAN rounds on the sheep, springs upon it, and bundles it into his tent. Then, whistling, he exits shot downwards (towards the red tent, if you must know).
We see EUAN’s tent rolling around drunkenly. A vague bleating may be heard from within. A head pokes out of an adjacent tent and looks at this in surprise. END CREDITS.
Well, we hope you enjoyed our little extravaganza. Owing to extreme heat on the tenth of August, and indeed throughout the week preceding, I couldn’t even sit down in my chair – not even spraying myself periodically with a garden mister could I face editing this. So although I think it’s about half an hour, it may need stretching. If too long, be assured that many of the changes are supposed to be very fast. If the reverse – damn.
END OF SCRIPT